Nappies and wings

After my breakdown this year (including my two hospital admissions), a Florence and the Machine song has meant the world to me. ‘Shake It Out’ makes me want to dance, smile, laugh and cry. A song I’ve listened to for years but only now do the words now really mean something to me.

A close friend of mine, who has been a large part of my recovery, said my breakdown in pregnancy was literally the best thing that ever happened to me. WHAT ON EARTH I thought? She explained that all my life I have been a pressure cooker and the lid needed to come off.

I am now on the most incredible journey. My eyes are opened to a new way of thinking and living. I’m practising techniques to stay well and reading self help reading books that are filling me with excitement for this new life. I have met some incredible people that are helping me and changing my life in the most positive way.

I had to go through the pain to wake myself up. I am now making changes to all aspects of my life (even leaving a job I have been in for over ten years.) I am moulding a life that I love and finally LOVING the life I already had but wouldn’t allow myself to enjoy.

My breaking point was awful, I can admit. I used to think about it often and it filled me with despair. My friend has now turned it into the most positive of thoughts. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me. It was the start of the rest of my life!

Living with anxiety since a young age, I always said my ‘superpower’ was to put on a face so that no one had a clue what I was going through. I could be falling apart into a million pieces going into work or meeting family and friends. I would take a deep breath in my car, look in the mirror, fix my makeup and head in.

You would find me to be the most confident person in the room. Chatting, laughing and cracking jokes, getting new people involved in conversation, first up on karaoke and so on.

Then my breaking point came…I was hospitalised. I disappeared for a long time. Everyone found out. Colleagues, family and friends. I have been told that people just couldn’t believe it.

What I used to describe as my ‘superpower’, in reflection, was a really unhealthy coping mechanism for my mental health. Pretending. Putting on a face. Momentarily it feels good but all it does is adds the the strain and exhausts you. Now my guard is down and people know the truth. It makes me feel vulnerable however it’s much MUCH healthier. I have had more honest conversations with people this year than I have in my entire life. I am not living a lie. It is good to talk. Once you open up, you wouldn’t believe the amount of people that can relate and open up too.

So for a while I thought I’d lost my superwoman cape. However now I think I deserve the cape more than ever. We are all superheroes fighting mental health daily and kicking its bum!!

Exercise. No doubt about it…it has been well documented that it helps our mental health.

To start I must stress that I am NOT a sporty gal. At school I wasn’t in any teams and on running days I always wanted my mum to write a note to say I wasn’t well. It gave me DREAD and filled me with all sorts of insecurities.

In adulthood, in my search for calm (namaste), I have thrown myself into all sorts of things. I get something into my head and that’s it….I buy alllll the gear. Yoga mats. Weights. Tops, leggings, sports socks, trainers, sports bras. I have never quite mastered getting a sports bra on and off gracefully. It’s always a fight that leaves me sweatier than when I’ve done actual exercise. I’m the same getting my swimming costume off. What a mess I get myself into all clammy and sticky.

Gym exercise classes leave me so red faced and dizzy that sometimes I’m not sure how I manage to drive home.

I’ve tried Youtube fitness classes at home including a few Victoria Secret model ones. Instructors looks incredible and sweat free. I, on the other other hand, am in my living room not looking so sexy. I once attempted a video with my pjs on clinging to my boobs as I didn’t have a sports bra on. I knew if I went to get proper gear on I’d probably just sit down and not get back up!!!!

Couch to 5k left me feeling I was going to pass out after the first minute of running.

SPIN classes…OUCH. I purchased on amazon a pair of pants that had huge bit of padding for my lady parts. They were about three sizes too big for me, bright pink and looked like a had a MASSIVE sanitary towel on. TERRIBLE LOOK.

Bikram yoga. I read online about yogas mental health benefits. So me being me thought to myself…yes I’ll try that…but not just a normal class….a yoga class in SWELTERING heat. At the time there was only one class available but it was in a flat in the suburbs of the city. Random but I thought I’d go for it not knowing what to expect. When the door opened to this flat I cannot tell you the smell of sweat that came out. A small group of people standing in a hall waiting to start. We were taken into a LIVING room. Windows were blacked out and basically there were portable radiators round all the walls to make it roasting. I didn’t know if I would make it out alive. So followed NINTY minutes of wild yoga moves (that I absolutely couldn’t do) and sweating. It STUNK. I left the flat after thinking to myself…WHAT just happened?

As you can see I haven’t quite mastered the art of sport. Problem is I give everything a go but never keep at it. At least I try and I will continue to try. No doubt about it…it makes me feel better and releases all sorts of good feelings. I however will not be the face of exercise for mental wellbeing. I am the one at the back of the class guzzling her new exercise water bottle and going for a drive through McDonald’s after.

My best bet is getting out for a walk with my boy in the pram. Fresh air. Nature. Seeing him smiling back at me. That gives me the best feels of all!!